its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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