Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
