i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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