On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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