i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Dignity is for republicans.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize