I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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