she was so not down for the gang bang
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
