Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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