did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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