I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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