dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
