we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
