So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I am full of burrito and curiosity
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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