Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
