a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
