its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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