My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
