mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
