his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
