Ambien. No doubt about it.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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