He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
