if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
