The best revenge is premature balding
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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