he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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