TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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