I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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