We're like a lot better than the average bears
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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