i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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