My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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