Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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