Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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