i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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