I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
