No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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