I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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