I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
