When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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