I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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