I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
