um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
