why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
