Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Don't EVER smell your tampon
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
