Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
