a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
