I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
