Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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