I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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