I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize