My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Im part way to drunk.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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