By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
