cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
