sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
