i permit you to call me
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
