well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
