Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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