I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Randomize
