That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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