Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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