i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
