my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
